THE OLYMPIC STORY
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 7th @ NOON
Welcome to the Winter Beer Olympics 2024, where a well-seasoned liver, a bit of blind luck, and a trivial amount of hand-eye coordination are all you need to become etched into the annals of alcoholism.
The winners will join drinking legends like “your one uncle who’s no longer invited to Thanksgiving” and “that guy from college who’s no longer allowed within 100 feet of schools or government buildings.” The losers? Well, at least they’ll still be drunk.
Each country will be made up of three athletes (or four, if you want to split up the drinking more). If you’ve got a squad, register together. If you have no friends, go solo and we’ll find you two random degenerates to compete with. Themed uniforms are not required but are strongly encouraged.
Due to high demand, there is a cap to the number of teams who can compete, so RSVP as soon as possible to secure your spot in the greatest athletic competition that ever did exist (in this fiscal quarter).
SATURDAY, December 7th
12:00PM
163 N Avenue 25, LOS ANGELES
$50 BUY-IN
THE GAMES
OPENING CEREMONIES
12:00p
Anheuser-Busch Arena
The games kick off with the introduction of athletes, countries, and events. Meet your teammates. Learn your groups. Size up the competition.
JUST SHOW UP ON TIME!
GROUP stage competition
12:30p – 3:00p
Mad Dog 20/20 Memorial Stadium
Great athletes train their whole lives so that they can stop thinking on the field and start reacting. You just have to get tipsy enough to where you can forget your many problems and put a ball in some cups. Our gauntlet of three head-to-head games and two communal ones will separate the athletic alcoholics from the run-of-the-mill alcoholics, and the four group champions (and two wildcard teams) will advance to the…
CHAMPIONSHIP BRACKET
3:00p – 4:00p
4Lokos (The Original Ones, Not This Bullshit New Recipe) Field House
Six teams. Three rounds. One champion. As contestants descend into drunkenness, we crown our medalists and determine our champion, while teams that have missed the playoffs are given second life vying for our mystery consolation prize.
first dance
4:00-4:30
CLOSING CEREMONIES
4:30p – 5:30p
Your Mom’s House
During one particular Olympic Games, Julius Caeser got so shit-housed drunk that he accidentally avoided death by forgoing his bathroom (where assassins awaited him) to puke in his room instead. Clearly he didn’t eat enough. You won’t have to worry about that because after the games, we’ll feast on a five course meal of East LA’s finest (see: cheapest) culinary options.
BAR HOPPING/REGRET
5:30p - Whenever You Fuckers Leave
For those committed to the full Olympic experience (and the ramifications the day after), we will be exiting the solace of our home to venture into the real world. There are a number of good bars a short Uber away. And we’ll have plenty of time to get kicked out of ALL of them.
KEYS TO SUCCESS
register early TO save your spot
Eat before the games
adjust booze intake FOR IDEAL DRUNKENNESS
ABIDE BY HOUSE RULES FOR EACH GAME
Begin investing in your 401k at an early age
Accommodations
Your own house. You freeloading fucks.
TRAVEL
This is a BEER Olympics. Take an Uber. Or a Lyft. As mentioned in the schedule, there’s even a Gold Line station right by the venue. If you’re a non-drinking spectator, there’s some street parking, but please please please do NOT drink and drive. Safety is our number two priority. After drinking… the thing that will potentially cause the safety issues in the first place.
Registry
In lieu of a gift, please just actually pay us the $50 buy-in.
All Venmos should be made to @EWong at the time of registration. Don’t be a boomer and pay me in cash. If you’re banned from Venmo, transfer the money some other way. We live in a digital age. We have the technology.
If you are a kind soul and absolutely feel the need to bring a gift in addition to your buy-in fee, we do have a registry set-up at lemonparty.org.
HALL OF CHAMPIONS
True Olympians compete for the love of the game, the love of their country, and the love of competition in its purest form. These people just got really drunk. But fuck it. Here they are.
Known for their abundant harvests of starchy tubers and love of cage fighting.
2018 SUMMER OLYMPICS
Gold: Genovia
Izzy, Gabby, Intern Brian
Winners of both the games and the equally important “best dressed” competition, the frizzy-haired young Anne Hathaways used matching uniforms and unorthodox beer pong releases to win gold despite two shotgunning setbacks (one, a daring act of hubris; the other, an idiotic act of being a total idiot) and the adversity that comes with the fact that one of their members was nothing but a lowly intern.
Silver: BIRDDog Nation
Bronze: Petoria
90% of their GDP comes from their two major exports: boxes of chocolates and Wilson brand volleyballs
2018 FALL OLYMPICS
Gold: Krakhozia
Jon, Clara, Derek
Despite a last-second reshuffling of members and an incredibly difficult to spell name, the transitory residents of JFK’s Terminal 4 used hard-work, determination, and a nebulous attraction to Catherine Zeta-Jones to go from the lowest seed in the playoffs, all the way to the Gold medal, cementing themselves as champions and making Jon the first two-time medal winner in Beer Olympics history.
Silver: Flavortown
Bronze: Rajneeshpuram / Canada
Some believe that the earth actually gets flatter each year, meaning that it will eventually be concave.
Various subreddits believe that Waterworld is actually a documentary. And also, that it didn’t suck.
On that day, we were all the peach state
Like Bobby Bonilla, some say he is still being paid by a NY-based baseball team despite doing nothing for years
The appealing side of “fruits and veggies”
Dem quarterly earnings doe
2019 SPRING OLYMPICS
Gold: Flat Earth
Augie, Kevin, Max
Our first full travel team to attend the olympics, the lack of the existence of the Earth’s gravitational pull didn’t stop them from taking home the gold, winning a one-shot play-in to take their division, then taking the semis and finals in a fashion that was almost as epic as the 150-foot tall ice wall that surrounds the edge of the world and prevents us from falling into space.
Silver: Nattycan City
Bronze: Glove World
2022 SPRING OLYMPICS
Gold: Waterworld (feat. Kevin Costner)
Scotty, Kevin, Marc
Once again, our travel team proved to be our top team, as the most critically acclaimed and financially successful movie of all time swept in like a hurricane, destroying everything in their path like the literal hurricane that destroyed the set the movie was filmed on. Kudos to Kevin, who is our first back-to-back champ and our first two-time champ. You’re a real piece of shit, Kev.
Silver: Nasty Perros
Bronze: Buttsville
2022 SUMMER OLYMPICS
Gold: United Butts of America
Jon, Kelsey, Smiley, and Emma
Baby got back to the final four, and this time, they took it all home. Armed with flexible denim jeans, junk in the trunk, and a desperate thirst for both a Fashionnova sponsorship and victory, the United Butts of America took home the gold. In the process, Jon joins Kevin as our only two-time Beer Olympics champion, which is both a momentous achievement and something that you probably shouldn’t include in your LinkedIn.
Silver: Foot Fetish Federation
Bronze: Team Evil
2023 Summer Olympics
Gold: The Summer of George
Reece, Morris, Jacob, and Austin
They came. They saw. They avoided their legs atrophying to the point of long-term physical disability. In the first games at our new location, the team about nothing rode their iconic perennially-balding mascot all the way to first place, which is probably the only time George Costanza and winning have been referenced in the same sentence.
Silver: Waystar Royco
Bronze: Strong Sinkers, Gentle Drinkers
2023 FALL OLYMPICS
Gold: Fruitopia
Diego, Steve, and Eric
With big hats and bigger dreams, they proved the value of wearing bright colors on a hot day and including natural sugars and soluble fiber in your everyday diet. No longer defined solely by having seeds on the inside, these edible products of a tree (or other plant) can now lay claim to the heart of a champion.
Silver: Stankonia
Bronze: Soviet Brewnion
2024 SUMMER OLYMPICS
Gold: Boeing Whistleblowers
Chris, Lucas, Ezra
While snitches may wind up in ditches, it turns out that sometimes—when the temperature is hot and the beer is oh so drinkable—they can also live forever as champions. Metaphorically. Because in actuality they are quite dead.
Silver: The Sims
Bronze: Costcovia